One of the most profound shifts I witness in therapy is when partners begin to recognize that every conflict, at its core, is about feelings and needs. Arguments that once sounded like “You’re so selfish” or “You never have time for me” transform into heartfelt expressions such as “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together, because I need closeness.”
This is the essence of Nonviolent Communication (NVC): learning to listen beneath the surface of words, both our own and our partner’s, to identify the emotions and longings that truly matter.
When couples learn this language, conversations stop being battles and become opportunities to know each other more deeply.
Why Feelings Matter
Feelings are the signals of our emotional world. They tell us when a need is being met or unmet. Yet many of us grew up in environments where expressing emotions was discouraged or even punished. As adults, we may struggle to identify our feelings, resorting instead to blame or withdrawal.
In relationships, this creates distance. If I say, “You don’t care about me,” my partner may feel attacked. But if I say, “I feel sad and unimportant when we don’t connect,” my partner hears my vulnerability.
Vulnerability, not accusation, is what draws people closer.
Why Needs Matter
Behind every feeling lies a universal human need. Needs are not selfish, they are the foundation of our well-being. They include needs for love, respect, rest, autonomy, connection, belonging, and many more.
When couples learn to identify needs, they stop treating each other as problems and begin seeing each other as human beings doing their best to meet deep longings. Instead of arguing over dishes or schedules, they uncover the real issue: “I need support” or “I need order to feel calm.”
Transforming Dialogue Through Feelings and Needs
Let’s look at an example:
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Blame: “You’re always on your phone. You don’t care about me.”
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NVC: “When you spend time on your phone during dinner, I feel lonely because I need connection. Would you be willing to put it aside so we can share a meal together?”
The first version creates defensiveness. The second creates understanding. By revealing the emotional truth and the underlying need, the partner is invited, not forced, into closeness.
A Therapist’s Perspective
When couples begin to use the language of feelings and needs, we often see their faces light up with recognition. For the first time, they feel truly understood. Misunderstandings dissolve, and compassion grows. This practice does not eliminate conflict, but it changes its tone: from fighting against each other to standing side by side, facing the challenge together.
Practice Corner
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Feelings Vocabulary
Print or write a list of common feeling words (e.g., joyful, sad, anxious, hopeful, relaxed). Each day, share one word that describes your emotional state with your partner. -
Needs Discovery
When you notice a strong feeling, pause and ask yourself: What need is this feeling pointing to? Share both the feeling and the need with your partner. -
Needs-to-Request Practice
Choose one unmet need and practice turning it into a clear request. Example: “I feel overwhelmed because I need support. Would you be open to helping with dinner tonight?”
🌿 Remember: feelings and needs are never wrong. They are the truth of your inner experience. When expressed with care, they invite intimacy rather than conflict.